~ The Result of Cynicism ~

You ever thought to yourself that the one person you want to be with and you are inlove with is going to be the only person with whom you will spend the rest of your life with? Ever been so inlove with someone that you humble yourself in ways that even you didn't think you were capable of? For example: when you both argue and he's wrong, you would apologize because you just wanted things to be smooth again between the two of you?

Well, I thought that way once upon a time. I thought myself so inlove with this person that when we broke it off, not only was I shocked, I was devastated. The guy whom I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with left me for another person.

Well, that was a while ago. Almost a year, in fact. Situations have changed and I am once again inlove. This time to an awesome person who I connect with so well...on many levels...whether it be spiritual, physical or otherwise. The one thing that I honestly regret about this relationship is that I came into it with a cynicism about love; about men. I didn't really "hate" all men, I just realized that I can't trust them. You can even be "cliche" about it and say that "I was burned." lol. I guess I have been burned.

My point to this blog is that although situations may be different, the person I'm with now may be different...the past is still there. Because of this new cynicism that I've somehow developed, my relationship with the man in my life right now is somehow hesitant on my part. I am more hesitant to fully give my heart to him, I am very wary of humbling myself to him during arguments and disagreements because I don't want to seem like the weak one.

Worst of all, I've developed a new attitude about relationships. With my ex, whenever we would fight and bicker, because I would want things to be good between us, I would either apologize to him or I would try to beg him to forgive me (and that made me feel so stupid, but I was so inlove with him), and each time it seemed as if I would shrug it off and tell myself that it won't happen next time.

I was wrong. Each time it happenend, it got worse. Now, I've developed the "I don't put up with bullshit" attitude. Sad because I'm really not that kind of person, but I don't want the guy to think that he can just play his little mind games on me and keep getting away with it. Hell NO!

Well, I'll try to explain better next time. Right now I'm hella tired and I know that I probably don't make sense on half of this blog, but oh well. I don't care. Just wanted to vent in a way.

Thanks for that anyway.

See ya!